So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
