what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Boobs speak an international language.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
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