So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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