The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
