the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
