the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
