Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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