why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
