then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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