dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
