You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
