Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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