At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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