On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
