you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
