She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
