In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She's the barista slut.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
my liver is dry heaving
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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