My sheets look like a crime scene.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I did not marry a roomba.
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