I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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