I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
