I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You dont lie about slip and slides
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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