Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
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We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize