Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
