One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
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It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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