nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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