I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
