I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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