i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
