Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
