Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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