sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
