Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
