dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
