dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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