I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
