i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
