Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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