Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
