There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
