it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
