Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
