I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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