Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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