ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
