i already hear my dad disowning me
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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