Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
