Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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