I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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