i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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