Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
