yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I haven't been this sober since birth.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm always down for nudity.
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