just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
