Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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