Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
