o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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