I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
