I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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