Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
